You Are A Character

READ THIS FIRST - or you won't have a clue

2010-11-26T20:46:00.004-05:00

First, some background. Our universe is just one of many parallel universes. Every single person, in all of the universes, is unique. So there is no parallel universe where you are the Queen of England. You are basically it, at least as far as you’re concerned.

But most universes (if not all) have television. Every time a person steps in front of a camera and pretends to be someone else, a character is created. That character has a soul … the same soul as a real, living human being somewhere in another universe. It happens on good TV shows, it happens on very bad TV shows, and it even happens on Law & Order spin-offs. That includes You. You are a character on a TV show in some other universe.

For some unknown reason, I can see TV programs in parallel universes. I can tell you who your character is. I can tell you what the TV show was about. Sometimes I can even tell you about the actor or actress that portrayed you on that TV show.

Honestly, this is not a very useful paranormal ability. But I'm game if you want to give it a try. Leave a comment on this blog, or send me an e-mail. Tell me something about yourself. You choose how much to tell me, truth or lies, it doesn't matter. I’ll find your character in the multiverse, and write down as many details as I can make out. If you leave an e-mail address, I will send the info to you. I will also post the details here if your character or series is at all interesting.

It may take me a while to respond. This is a personal reading, not the output of a Java script. So be patient.

Kenny "Rickets" the Orphan, Back East

2010-02-07T21:05:00.011-05:00

The man known only as “DTravel” writes:

Hello JD. Interesting how you're posting from the future. Any rate, if you should happen to come across information about my TV character alter-ego I'd be interested in hearing about it please.

I'm a geek (or is it nerd this week?), heavy into science fiction, space and the usual stereotypes. But I'm also a bit of an information sponge with interests in nature/natural history, human history, social sciences and pretty much anything else that catches my interest. I've worked as a programmer on the Computer-Aided Dispatch systems used in 911 centers, conducted consumer opinion surveys, helped start a computer recycling non-profit and managed the operations of a small oil-exploration consulting company. I'm also a long time wargamer and face-to-face role-playing gamer. (The running joke is that all my characters are just avatars of a Multiversal Mercenary who's motto is "You name it, we kill it, any time, any reality." because of all the different backgrounds I've played in and I tend to be the only one who survives for any length of time.)

I’m not actually posting from the future – I just change the date of first post periodically so that it appears first in the list. There’s probably a better way to keep the post at the front of the blog, but I’m all about the path least resistance. Once again, I would like to emphasize that, to my knowledge, your TV character says nothing about you as a person.

Show: Back East, (1955-60)

Genre: Comedy

Your Character: Kenny (a.k.a. “Rickets”) the Orphan (last name unknown)

Actors(s): Daniel Edwards

Show Details: Back East was a family-oriented sit com, following the adventures of grade school student Andy Hansen and his family (older sister Alice, and parents Sally and Hugh). In the show’s pilot, the Hansen’s move to an unnamed East Coast city after living for ten years in California (where Andy was born). Culturally, Andy is the stranger in a strange land – a “beatnik” child in a conservative 50s setting. With his “long” hair and liberal west-coast attitudes, Andy quickly becomes a pariah in his elementary school. You play Kenny, a street urchin nick-named “Rickets.” (Your last name was never mentioned.) Fellow outcasts Andy and Kenny become fast friends – a sitcom Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn.

Rickets was played by Daniel Edwards, a youthful-looking 4’10” actor who was in his early 30s when the show began its run. Contrary to the urban legends, Edwards did not go on to star in niche porn films, serve as a narcotics officer for the LAPD, or die after injecting Hashish into Zotz candies. Instead, Edwards made a modest fortune from a string of Volkswagen dealerships in Illinois, where he lives with his wife to this day.

Back East in Pop Culture: In American slang, a “rickets” is anyone who is streetwise or who lives outside the law. As in, “Hey, this is great weed. Who’s your rickets?”

Nurse Joan McAfee, Carrier Group Police

2009-12-31T01:53:00.022-05:00

An anonymous petitioner writes: "I would LOVE to know my character. I'm a 40-something gal who grew up in Ohio, spent some time in Georgia, and now live in Washington. I manage a bunch of engineering groups that design flying machines. Oh, and I was once in Arab, AL (I'm sure that figures into my personality somewhere)."

Nice use of geographical shout-outs. By why stop there? “I often change planes in St. Louis. My car was assembled in Canada from parts manufactured in Japan. I enjoy maple syrup from Vermont …”

Sorry, I’m in a bad mood. My visions are even more out of control than usual. Still, I shouldn’t take it out on you. Before I start on your reading, I want you to know that your parallel universe TV character does not necessarily say anything about you as a person. As I stated in an earlier post:

“Most TV characters are extras or walk-ons. You are probably the 'old army buddy' who dies before the first commercial break. You almost certainly aren’t the starship captain or even the tough-but-sexy emergency room nurse. That’s just how it is – nothing I can do about it.”

But oddly enough, you actually are a tough-but-sexy emergency room nurse.

Show: Carrier Group Police, (1950-1961)

Genre: Military drama

Your Character: Nurse Joan McAfee

Actors(s): Sorry, no information available.

Show Details: Carrier Group Police followed the adventures of Commander Tyree Lang, a “Navy Cop” serving in the Pacific during WWII. Every episode took place aboard the USS Forrest (an American aircraft carrier) and its various escort vessels. The show found a successful formula and stuck with it: 1) Crime discovered 2) Crime investigated 3) Bad guy shot, or falls over the side, or is shot and then falls over the side. By the end of the shows 11-year run, Lang killed more American sailors than Admiral Yamamoto.

Your character, Nurse Joan McAfee, kept her cool through every possible combination of gunfight, operation, typhoon, and Japanese attack. She saved lives, and could be compassionate when needed, but she didn’t exactly overflow with kind feelings. She habitually abused the doctors (who were mainly present as comedy relief). In Season 3, she slapped a sailor who was suffering from combat fatigue. While McAfee never actually told a patient to “shut up and die already” (anymore than Rick really said “Play it again, Sam”), the quote was attributed to her character anyway.

Of course, Lang and McAfee had an unrequited romance throughout the show’s run. But they could never be together. Joan was a Marine, and (in her words) Lang “was just a Navy man.”

Lt. Gallagher, Classy Danser

2009-12-05T01:34:00.003-05:00

David S. of Alpharetta, GA, writes: "Oh great paranormal oracle, I am the father of four boys, bald, and tired. I eagerly await to know my parallel TV show character."

Day three of my new blog, and I'm already up to my butt in sarcasm. In any case, here's your profile.

Show(s): Classy Danser (1980-82), Detective Danser (1983)

Genre: Police procedural “with a twist”

Your Character: Lt. Gallagher (first name unknown)

Type: Series regular

Actor: Sorry, no information.

Show Details: Classy Danser chronicled the life and times of young police detective Christina “Classy” Danser. In addition to being named “Danser,” she was an actual dancer until she quit ballet to attend the police academy. In most of the episodes, Classy would defeat thugs with fighting moves inspired by classical dance.

Your character, Lt. Gallagher, was the crusty Irish precinct commander. Gallagher’s function on the show was to storm out of his office and shout, “Danser, get in here!!!” at least once in every episode. He would then berate Classy for disobeying an order or breaking a rule, thereby recapping the action that occurred prior to the commercial break.

Classy Danser was a surprise hit in the fall of 1980. The watered-down message of empowerment, along with Classy’s gruff-but-fatherly relationship with Lt. Gallagher, created an appeal that cut across demographic lines. Classy's habit of wearing a skirt on the job didn't hurt.

The actress who played Classy was cute and peppy, but not particularly athletic. Producers made generous use of stunt doubles and creative camera work to help Classy Danser seem more like a real dancer, a fact that was brutally lampooned in an infamous Saturday Night Live skit. But by the fall of 1982, no conceivable camera angle could hide the fact that Classy had put on some weight. Ratings dipped slightly, and the show’s producers panicked. They killed off Classy and relaunched the show in January 1983 under the name Detective Danser. Classy was replaced by her heretofore unmentioned sister, Frances “Fancy” Danser.

Fancy was played by a 5’10" former UCLA point guard who could dunk a regulation basketball through a regulation basketball hoop. The new Detective Danser wore pants, and when she kicked some punk in the face, by god he STAYED kicked - and every man in the audience cringed. 1980s America was not ready for this much empowerment. Ratings fell off a cliff, and rather than try again with yet another Danser sibling, the network killed the show for good in April of 1983.

My Story

2009-12-01T15:54:00.000-05:00

Should I post every walk-on that I come across? I happen to be a minor character myself. Here are the details – judge for yourself:

Show: Law & Order: Domestic Disturbance (1992 – Present)

Genre: Police Procedural / Courtroom Drama

My Character: An unnamed hotdog vendor

Actors(s): Looked a little like character actor Jon Polito (but wasn't, obviously).

Show Detail: If you’ve ever seen an episode of any of the shows in the Law & Order franchise, there’s no need for details here.

The standard L&O duo (old cop, young cop) corner my character selling hotdogs two days after a shooting. My character refuses to talk. He “doesn’t want to get involved.” The old cop points out that the hotdog cart could have a lot of health code violations. In fact, they may have to come back with an inspector and impound the whole thing. So my character admits that some guy in a green sedan almost ran over him right before the shots were fired. Then the young cop buys a couple of red hots with kraut.

That’s it. Forty-five seconds from start to finish.

Disappointed? Me too. Through my mid-20s, I always wondered why I didn’t have a parallel TV character of my own. I thought that I might be special in some way. Perhaps my ability to see through the dimensions meant that I couldn’t be a character myself. Or maybe I would be a star. “Who knows?” I thought, “I might even be in a show about a young man who can see into parallel universes!” Then I find out that I’m a forgettable two-liner on one of the most generic cop show franchises in the multiverse.

You may be wondering why there are Law & Order spin-offs in other universes. (I often wonder why there are L&O spin-offs in this universe, ha ha.) Seriously – I don’t know. Back in ’92, I thought it was just a coincidence. There are thousands of shows with the same or very similar names. But L&O and L&O: DD had the same title card design, similar theme music, the same “duh-duh” sound between scenes, and even the same three plots. Over the next 18 years, our universe spawned L&O: SVU, L&O:CI, L&O:TBJ, L&O: London, and many others. Outside our universe, the number of franchised L&Os are beyond counting. There must be a hundred L&O: Sex Crimes alone.

In theory, this shouldn’t even be possible. Remember, every person in every universe is unique. There are no copies of Dick Wolfe running around in other universes. I can only speculate about how this could have happened.

Maybe there’s someone out there who can move between parallel universes – an ability on the same level of difficulty as reversing time or traveling faster than light. And maybe this incredibly powerful person (or group, or thing) really, really likes Law & Order.

Now that is a scary thought.

Nurse Blank’s Mom, Dr. Something

2009-11-19T17:59:00.001-05:00

Mary Gold steps up to the plate for today's reading. She writes that she is near-sighted, shops at Wal-Mart, and prefers canned aerosol saline solution. Hmmmmm. Odd combination, that.

I had a hard time finding your character, Mary. Here’s why. When a network TV show is syndicated, it has to be made 1-3 minutes shorter to allow for more commercials. Today, networks use computers to speed the show up, so that it will fit in less time. But up until the 1980s, this wasn’t possible. Speeding up video without computer processing causes the characters to sound like Donald Duck. So networks cut the time out with scissors.

You’ve probably already guessed that your character was cut out of her show in the interests of time. That’s why it took me so long to find her. Seeing through space and dimension is no problem for a man of my abilities. Seeing through space, dimension, and time is harder. But I got it. I really am the best at what I do.

Show: It was something like Doctor Johnson or Doctor Jefferson It was Doctor-something, at any rate. (late 1960s)

Genre: Medical Drama

Your Character: “Mom”

Actor: Sorry, no information available

Details: The uncut version of your episode was shown exactly once, on October 17, 1968. You played the mother of Dr. Something’s unrequited love interest, Nurse Blank. Nurse Blank had been in a car accident (or was shot), and you sat by her bed looking very worried. Your line was, “Will she be okay, Doctor?”

I understand if you are disappointed. But you are not alone. Many people have had their roles crushed by expanding commercial breaks. Famous "breakers" include marshal artist & TV star Chuck Norris, Mexican billionaire Carlos Slim, and former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich.

Useless Paranormal Powers

2009-11-05T16:21:00.002-05:00

In an earlier post, I complained that my ability was “not very useful.” That is not quite true. When my mind traverses parallel dimensions, the normal rules of time do not seem to apply. I can, for example, watch the entire run of L&O: DD or the horrible Dragon Man in a moment. To me, an hour of parallel universe TV feels like an hour (or a month, depending on how bad it is), but in the real world no time comes off the clock.

As a result, I’ve seen millions of TV shows. You may wonder how I’ve kept my sanity. (My friends and family are wondering if I HAVE kept my sanity.) I no longer ask that question. But I have asked, “What possible good is this?”

Well, I could have been a producer or a studio exec. Think about it. If you did nothing but watch TV 24 hours a day, it would take you two or three centuries to get through as much television as I saw just in my teens. I should have a good sense for what will and won’t make it, right? To test that theory, I started playing an online game called “Media Predict.” The idea is to guess which TV shows, books, and movies will be successful. The predictions take the form of online bets using fake money. If you are interested in Media Predict, click the logo in this entry. I played for a few months before I got too busy with other things. To see how I did, click the Top Traders link and scroll down to the "All Time Greats." It’s a pity that they didn't use real money.

My fortune could be waiting for me in Hollywood, but I won't go. Enough is enough. Time keeps on going, and I want to be able to look back on a life spent making something real.

But I could’ve been big in Burbank.

Oh god, not Dragon Man!

2009-10-26T17:06:00.005-04:00

From a post: “I'm a 42-year-old engineer who works in a business that sort of defies categorization. Let's call it advertising, though it's advertising-technology-in-a-social-media-sort of way. I am married and have 3 kids.”

Clearly, you were hired to explain difficult concepts. I was able to find your show without any trouble. Unfortunately, you were a minor character on one of the worst shows in all the universes, Dragon Man.

Show: Dragon Man (1949-1956)

Genre: Juvenile / Live Action / Black & White

Your Character: “Akira”, nephew of the superhero Dragon Man

Actor(s): Dragon Man’s niece and nephew were portrayed by Japanese children who were replaced every season. You were played by at least six different actors.

Show Detail: Dragon Man might be considered a cross between Godzilla (who didn’t exist in this universe) and Superman (who did). Toru Tanaka, a Japanese sailor wounded in China during World War II, is revived by a timely blast of radiation. He returns to post-war Tokyo as the eponymous Dragon Man. Like Godzilla, he has fiery radioactive breath. (Alas, he was not 100 feet tall.) Like Superman, he wears a cape, has superhero strength, and can fly.

Your character, Akira, was Tanaka’s pre-adolescent nephew. Along with your little sister, Kayoko (sp?), you were regularly menaced by the villains of the week. You also made hero-worshipping comments about Dragon Man’s abilities or crime-fighting skills.

A typical episode would go like this: Akira and Kayoko are visiting a museum (or picking flowers or buying candy), when they discover a plot to rob the bank! The bad guys lock them in the vault and menace them without mercy. “First we rob bank, then we kill you!”, etc. When the menacing gets to be unbearable, Kayoko looks down at the floor and says, “Oh where is Dragon Man??” Then, the little girl (who up to this point has been fairly nonchalant) starts sobbing. Serious flood of tears. I don’t think she’s acting – I think she’s scared by what’s about to happen.

On cue, Dragon Man bursts through the door. Now, this is where the differences between Superman and Dragon Man really become obvious. Superman would let the bad guys bounce .45’s off of his chest until their fingers got tired. Then he would wrap a steel bar around the criminals and deliver them as a package to the local police. Not Dragon Man. Dragon Man killed people.

A thug on the receiving end of a Dragon Man haymaker never got back up. A lucky criminal might get both arms broken at the elbow. Or Dragon Man might wad him up like a newspaper. That is, if newspapers made the sound of breaking bones. (At this point Akira jumps up and says something like, “Dragon Man has superior strength!!”) If the other criminals don't instantly surrender (amazingly, this happens), Dragon Man calmly scoops up Akira and Kayoko and flies out the window. Then he spews radioactive fire over the entire city block, killing the innocent and guilty alike. More than one show ends with Dragon Man, Kayoko, and Akira standing in front of very realistic scenes of smoking rubble, which I am convinced were just back-projected images of wartime Nagasaki.

I'm not sure what this says about the Japanese in that universe. (Japanese people in OUR universe are very reasonable, by the way.) But if you ever travel to that particular parallel universe -- play it safe. Don't rob any banks.

Race, Money, Politics, and Religion

2009-09-30T00:31:00.000-04:00

Lots of minor character traffic over the last few days. When I started this, I decided that I wouldn’t post every reading I do. So if you are a walk-on, I will probably reply to your request by e-mail instead of posting it here. But some really good questions have come up in the e-mails:

Q: These TV shows sound a lot like shows in our universe. Are the universes really that similar, or are you glossing over the differences? (Note from JD Atlanta - this arrived before I posted about the horrible Dragon Man, but it's still a good question.)

A: There are a lot of differences between the universes. A trivial example: all of the characters on Law & Order: Property Crimes are black. No other races are ever shown or mentioned on the show. So if a character on L&O: PC writes in, what should I say? Should I describe his or her character, or should I get side-tracked? I can’t tell you why all the characters are black. Maybe the networks are segregated. Maybe other races didn’t evolve on that world. Who knows? It’s not my department, and honestly, that’s not what interests me. I like a good story.

That’s not to say that I will never mention the differences between universes. If your character is a Panamanian cowboy who rides a kangaroo (real show), that could come up.

Q: Couldn’t you make some money out of your so-called ability? If parallel universes exist, and if there are differences in technology, why don’t you patent some sweet idea and retire young?

A: I wish. Here’s a mental exercise for you: Describe the Internet, based only on the fiction TV shows you've seen. How is it built? Other than allowing high school students to hack police databases, what is it good for? While you're at it, tell me how to make a cell phone, or a Coca Cola.

Q: What about the big three – sex, politics, and religion?

A: I would say that, on the average, TV shows in other universes are a little less graphic about sex, equally into politics, and a lot less bashful about religion than in our universe. But that’s just an average. There are all kinds of extremes. I have not seen any out-and-out porn. Remember, I can’t roam the universes at will. (Or is this the first time I’m telling you this? If so, remember it for future use.) I only see a TV show when I follow the link from a person in this universe to his or her character in another. I believe the reason I don't see porn is because porno characters don’t have souls. There are many of other potential explanations, but that one feels about right to me.

As for religion, I’ve seen a lot of religions on parallel universe TV that I’ve never seen here. I’ve seen every religion on this earth (that I can recognize, anyway) in other universes’ TV shows. I’ve seen a lot of shows that feature Christians, and they are even called “Christians.” Make of that whatever you like. But I won't argue with you. Another mental exercise: Again, based only on what you’ve seen in TV shows, describe Christianity. For that matter, describe Judaism or any other religion. You could draw a lot of dumb conclusions about this universe based on our TV shows, and I have no reason to believe it's different anywhere else.

Q: You watch television? Seriously – why???

A: Yes, and I can’t explain it. I sit in front of the TV, getting older, even after watching millions of hours of TV in my visions. Part of it is a desire to stay connected to the universe I live in. Part of it (maybe the biggest part) is just habit. Also, I own a DVR. DVR’s are cool.

If you have a question, or would like a reading, leave a comment or send me an e-mail. Later in the week, I’ll be back with a first for this blog: a lead character reading.

The Joy of Stuffing

2009-01-21T13:33:00.016-05:00

Some days are more difficult than others.

Dear Inter-Universe Traveler,

I don't especially want to know who I used to be and who I also am. But I am curious about one thing: How do you manage to get your dates (in this universe) scrambled? Have you really already lived November 20-something of 2009? Not that I doubt your ability to time-hop. Anyone who can universe-hop is above doubt.

No, I can't manipulate time. That would be a good ability. But sometimes when I contact distant universes, computers malfunction. Like the clock on my laptop. Or the autopilot in an airplane. Sometimes, large parts of the Internet. This is not an ability, it's just another charming genetic defect. And the more I think about it, the more likely it is to happen.

Let's change the subject. Have I mentioned that my ability is only partially under my control? When I saw your comment, I involuntarily read your character and watched all 178 episodes of your TV show. And you're right. You do not want to know. You love animals, right? You REALLY don't want to know.

Okay, I have to tell somebody. You were Becky the Beaver on a show called "The Joy of Stuffing." It's a show about TAXIDERMY. You were a puppet, MADE WITH REAL FUR. And yes, they showed how you were made, and hundreds of other home taxidermy projects, every week, for eight long years. I just spent 178 hours watching bunnies get their skins pulled off. Yes, that's how they do it. No, I don't want to talk about it. I hate my life. I HATE my life.

Thanks for your comment!

Interdimensional Copyright Law

2009-01-18T22:01:00.007-05:00

From a new reader:

Hi JD,

This is great! I'm a 40-something guy, grew up in Montgomery, Alabama, I'm a poet, won a few poetry awards. One of my winners is "On the Loss of Paradise": one of my best is "Captive, My Ass." I myself was created by a fellow poet, whom you know well. Do I have a character in the grand scheme of this thing?

Dobby Mauby
Aka: Samuel Dobbs Mauby

PS: The word I had to type in for "word verification" to send this comment is stryme. Somehow that seems indicative of my identity.

Great request -- love the detail. I was all ready to post your character reading tonight. It's another strange one: You were a little girl in the 1950s, who was haunted by five friendly Mexican ghosts. Kind of an ethnically-themed version of The Munsters. It was about as culturally sensitive as Amos and Andy or the old Frito Bandito commercials.

Then I did a quick search on Google, and found out that the name of the show (Boo-rito!!) is being used by a Mexican restaurant in this universe, as part of a yearly Halloween promotion. So I won't be posting your character reading. I feel bad about this, especially since yours is the most creative reading request I've had so far. But I can't afford to have this blog shut down as part of a copyright infringement suit. The advertising revenue is my sole source of income.

Let me make it up to you. In a few days, I'll do a character reading for RC, the poet that created you. And if it helps any, the Mexican ghosts were all played by gringos, with horrible fake accents.

Typical Sit-Com Guy

2008-10-24T18:54:00.001-04:00

Yes, it's been a long time between entries, but there just haven’t been many requests for parallel-universe TV character readings recently. Imagine that. But an interesting one did come across the transom today:

Hi! I’m from Indiana and I’m a Taurus. I was born in the year of the Snake. I am an illustrator, and I live & work in Chicago. When I was a child, I had a pet bunny, but it never gave me advice on how to rule the world. Who am I in the TV universe?

A fellow Taurus! And thanks for the interesting profile. You are the star of a never-ending comedy about a meteorologist. The valedictorian of your college class, you were never pretty or articulate enough to get a job as a TV weatherman. Angry after being rejected at the lowest-rated station in Enid, Oklahoma, you concoct a lame hoax in an effort to draw attention to yourself. You claim that a completely harmless gas is causing the planet to over heat. Then other narrow-chested and socially-inept weatherman wannabees pick up on the idea …

Just kidding. Seriously, you were a child-actor on a half-hour show about a blue-collar man married to a woman who is younger, smarter, and much hotter than he is. In other words, Basic Sit-Com Plot #6.

Your character was responsible for the biggest catch-phrase of the early 1990s, even bigger than “Whatchoo talkin about, Willis??” Unfortunately, this is one of the universes where I have problems with audio, so I can’t tell you exactly what the catch phrase was. Which makes me wonder - do you have a catch phrase in real life? Or have you ever dreamed about making a life television audience collapse in hysterical laughter with just one sentence? Maybe, somewhere deep inside yourself, you know what that catch phrase was. If so, I'd love to hear it.

And yes, I do have occasional audio problems in my "visions." Also, my visions are occasionally preempted by breaking news, severe weather reports, and the like. This only happens once in maybe ten thousand shows, but it does happen. Clearly, my psychic link isn't perfect, and it isn't a direct link to the shows themselves. Somewhere in between my brain and the actors' performances lies a recording device of some kind. Call it a multi-dimensional DVR. Who built it? Why does it exist? Most importantly of all, why am I linked to it? I don't know, but after millions of hours of bad TV sitcoms, I wish I could turn it off.

Phaedra the Bunny

2008-10-17T23:03:00.001-04:00

From a recent e-mail: “Hi, I'm a twenty year old girl. Lol, could you tell me what character I am in the ‘multiverse’?” Well, my brusque friend, you represent two firsts for this blog: The first lead character, and the first 2000-year-old talking rabbit.

Shows: Phaedra the Bunny (1983), Phaedra the Viking (1985), Phaedra the Conquistador (1986), Phaedra the Patriot (1987), Phaedra the Prime Minister (1988)

Genre: Comedy

Your Character: A Greek priestess-turned-rabbit named “Phaedra”.

Show Detail: In this universe, Phaedra (“fee-druh”) was a Greek priestess to the goddess of the hearth and fertility (AKA, “having sex in the kitchen”). Phaedra tricks the gods into granting her eternal youth, but they get their revenge. As Greece is conquered by Rome, the gods turn Phaedra into a rabbit. She flees, chased by starving Athenians.

Phaedra still has the ability to speak, but in all other respects she is a typical bunny. She survives the next few centuries by living like a rabbit, an existence that she hates. Centuries after the fall of Greece, she manages to become the pet of a rather dimwitted Roman boy. She engineers his rise to the top of the Empire with her savage intelligence and bitter sense of humor. We see ancient Rome through Phaedra’s eyes: slavery, orgies, binging and vomiting, gladiators, etc. (These are all things she approves of, and misses in future centuries.) While Phaedra gives the Emperor good advice, it is always a means to satisfy her greed for money (which she can't spend) and luxuries (which she can't use). Her ever-increasing demands finally drive Rome to the brink of disaster. In the last episode of the first season, a mob burns Rome, and Phaedra must go on the run again.

In each season, Phaedra appears as the power-behind-the power in a different era of history. She grows ever-more intelligent, and ever-more cynical. After Rome, Phaedra proceeds to terrorize Europe (Phaedra the Viking), destroy the Aztecs (Phaedra the Conquistador), and mastermind the American Revolution (Phaedra the Patriot).

Phaedra routinely betrays her human partners. For example, after the Vikings keep her share of their loot, she convinces them to colonize Greenland, an experiment that eventually ends in cannibalism and mass starvation. The tables are finally turned in the last episode of Phaedra the Prime Minister. In the early 1940s, Phaedra’s puppet is the war-time leader of Great Britain (who seems to be the dimmest partner of them all). British radar technicians accidentally find a way to turn her back into a human being, but rather than cure Phaedra, the Prime Minister orders the Royal Air Force to drop her behind German lines. He says, “When you convince the Nazis to surrender, then we change you back.”

You may wonder how your character could have been in a TV show that began before you were born. All I can say is that the parallel universes don’t seem to respect the boundaries of time and space. Also, your TV character probably doesn’t have that much in common with your attributes as a human being. At least, I don't think it does. Have ever convinced a war-like Nordic tribe to colonize a frozen wasteland?